Maps to you

This shadow has been lurking in me for years. And for years I avoided it. It crept into every relationship I had, its inside me.

And that first night with you, dancing, it was appeased.

I have thought this life all through way through. I have finally put my story together chronologically. I have spoken to it and it has shared its lessons for me. The ones I must live. The ones I cannot forget.

And still it’s inside me. Not something I’m trying to get rid of, something I’m trying to nurture.

A boy who wants to help. A boy who wants to make everything ok. A boy who can.

I’m not there yet. But I’m going.

I want to meet you after this. After I get through. it’s awful having you along for the ride because at each moment, each unacceptable thought vomit, I’m afraid that you will remember me for this and not what could be.

I want to find the ease I’ve felt, the moments I’ve lived with you. Again and again, every day.

I’m making maps. Conquistador of the soul. To find my way back to you. Back to that dance.

A maestro conducting life to be just the right tone, just the right chord, to play the song we knew when we met. The song that set me free.

Naysay or doubt I know this love is a place in us. And I will make the trail wild and beautiful and full of berries along the way.

And if you find it first, or fall upon it, pull me to you with tender arms.

I love you.